Transcript of the video, as requested by FOREIGNERS.
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Transcript
==========
Note: The copyright of this document is
owned by teamfishcake and it may only be
used in conjunction with the related video,
as a visual aid to help understand the
thick, incomprehensible British regional
accents of the actors.
Mike Thorpe as Albert
Mark Palmer as Archie
Dan Tranter as Herman
Louise Le Cornu as Harlot
Stu Hall as Clark
Mr John as Vernon McPrendulum
------
A lack of technical support
----------------------------
Archie: Has yours loaded yet?
Harlot: No
Archie: Has YOURS loaded yet?
Clark: uh-uh (no)
Archie: Can't wait for this to load, it's going to be so much fun. I'm just so used to playing with myself. I mean, I've even bought supplies. I'm going to keep us all tickety-boo with a nice cuppa-brew.
Harlot: I'm not connected, I need to be plugged in so I can check you boys out.
Clark: This isn't right. Herman, have you got the drivers? It must be a drivers issue *whimper*
Harlot: Are you going to power me up? My battery's going to die soon.
Herman: Yeah...
Archie: Good idea, you two get the drivers and stuff sorted, and I'll make a nice hot brew. I'm no good at all this techy stuff, I just buy these things and they turn me into a digital slave *snort*. Anyway, a brew? A nice hot brew?
Clark: NO! No, I can't have caffeine, I told you!
Clark's Thoughts: Why does he keep asking? He's read my profile on the messageboard, and he knows all about my allergies and problems. Oh God, my allergies. Did I pack enough pills for the weekend? What if I run out? Or what if someone drinks my soya milk supply when I'm sleeping? Oh God, will I sleep? What if they kill me? I can't run out of soya milk. Oh my God, why did I come here with these people? I don't do people! Nooo!
Archie: You'll have a brew, won't you? 'Bert? A nice special brew? Course you will!
Harlot: Can you fix this? I used my laptop GPS to navigate to this place.
Herman: Mmm...
Harlot: My laptop battery is going to die any minute now!
Clark: Mine too, it's an old machine. I played Solitare on the way here on the train, and it's run down. I should have gotten a new battery....
Clark's Thoughts: But you can't afford it, CAN you CLARK? You can barely afford to BE here. You idiot, IDIOT! It's going to run out of batteries if you don't plug it in, and then you won't be able to play. Argghh! Oh God, did I take my Echinacea?
Hermans Thoughts: Why the hell did I come here? I could be at home right now, owning mother fuckers at Counter-strike, or downloading videos of fat old things. Mmmmmm....
Albert: It's all dark in there..
Harlot: It's supposed to be. The whole idea behind the game is that you can't actually see what's going on, because it's so dark. And then things happen. Based on a true story. In this very house. Which is why we're here...... Why are you here?
Albert: It's dark here... I want to look into the dark.
Herman: Right, let's get this extension cable on yer computers. I want to enjoy myself when it *really* gets dark.
Albert: This one's working. The game's on - look how black it is.
Herman: Yeah, and it's gonna get blacker still if we don't get this connected up. Connecting them up like this drains battery power. We don't have much time.
Clark's Thoughts: He'll kill us all!
Archie: Here we go guys, a nice cuppa-brew.... oopps!
All: *Cries*
Archie: I'm ok, I'm ok. Is everyone ok? Here, feel me. Feel 'me hands. Can you feel me in the dark?
Herman: Right, I'll go and find the fuse box. Sort this shit out. Hang on here.
Clark: I'll come with you
Albert: Me too
Clark's Thoughts: Mummy! I want to feel your bosom.
Albert: I know about electricity and stuff, I'll come with you. Please let me come with you?
Herman's Thoughs: Oh for fucks sake, they're scared of the dark...
Harlot: That was a spectacular moment there, Archie. Are you ok, mate?
Archie: I think I've broken something.... yeah...ahh...a mug. God, this is awful... no power...
Harlot: I know, we won't be able to play the computers.
Archie: Oh, it's worse than that, my dear.
Harlot: How?
Archie: Well we can't boil a kettle without electricity. How am I going to replace these spilled brews?
Herman: I can't fix a bloody thing with Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle-fucking-dumber all over the place. I'll fix it in the morning when we've got more light. Everyone got candles and torches and stuff, yeah?
Harlot: Yeah, i've got plenty of equipment.... oh shit, look...
Albert: Oh...
Clark: You spilt tea all over my laptop!
Archie: Oh..oh dear... well, goodnight everyone....
-------
The Darkness
(not the band)
---------------
Archie: Right Mr Bat, it's time for snuggly beddybies. So you close your eyes and say goodbye. Don't worry about the dark, we'll fix that tomorrow when we can see what we're doin'. Ok? Sleeptight. Don't let the bed bug bite. Goodnight Mr Bat.
Clark: What?! have you got a bat in here? A real live one?
Clark's Thoughts: Oh my God, he's got a fucking winged animal in his bed. What if I'm allergic? I'll choke in my sleep! Oh, like I'll sleep here anyway. These people are going to kill me and eat me, like... what are they called? Oh, cursed amnesia.... Hannibals! Yes! Men eating men! ...... argghhh!
Archie: Oh, no matey. It's just Mr Bat, he's my teddybear. It's a funny story, actually, why he's called Mr Bat. I'll tell you so you can get to know me better. It's a long story.. but I was travelling through South-East Asia........visiting friends..... it's not actually that funny-a-story, actually, goodnight.
Clark: No, no. Come on, tell me the story. It'll help me sleep.
Archie: Well it was ummm... given to me by this...eerrmmm...old.....woman...Who....
Clark: Not a friend?
Archie: What?
Clark: You said it was given to you by a friend.
Archie: Yes! HA HA HA! Silly me! Night...
Herman's Thoughts: He's sitting up in his bed. Fucking nutter. He could at least *try* to sleep, then I could blow that sodding candle out. I can't sleep with that thing flickering. Fuck it.
Herman: Right, Good night Albert. Lights out
Albert: *screams*
Herman: 'k, five more minutes, eh?
Clark: Whose teddy is it Archie?
Archie: Well, he's my teddy, Mr Bat. He's my friend.
Clark: Whose teddy *was* it Archie?
Archie: I've told you, my friend, the old lady, from Thailand.
Clark: *Old* lady, from Thailand?
Archie: Yes, *old*
Clark: And you were in Thailand?
Archie: Yes! Visiting friends, touring, relatives!
Clark: Old lady friends? Old lady friends that FUCK UP LAPTOPS?
Archie: LOOK, THEY WERE ALL OVER SIXTEEEN, OKAY?! THEY TOLD ME THEMSELVES!
Albert: *whimper*
Albert: *whimper*
Albert: *screams*
Herman: Okay, okay...
Clark: He's a paedophile! He's a paedophile, he's a paedo... I'm sharing a room with a kiddy fiddler!
Archie: I am NOT a paedophile! I've just got a teddy....
Clark: He's a paedophile! He's a paedophile!
Herman: I'M TRYING TO SLEEP
Harlot: I've got the power on....... ...is that a nighty?
Archie: ...no
Clark: He's a paedo! He'll touch us on the genitals!
Harlot: Tranny
Herman: What?
Albert: Cross-dresser
Herman: So? There's worse things on the Internet....
Clark: Like what?
Herman: Like YOU for instance...
Archie: ... Yeah, I'm a "TV", not a paedo. Anyway, what's wrong with that? Are you racist, or something? I think it's fine. There's nothing wrong with it.
Clark: I'm not sharing that room with HIM!
Herman: Fine. I'll swap with you. Not a problem. Be my fucking guest.
Clark: Fine, I trust you.
Albert: *screams*
Clark: What?! Oh my God, what is it?! Oh, the paedo's come, has the paedo come to fuck us?! THE PAEDO'S COME TO FUCK US!!
-------
Broken Morning
---------------
Flashback voices: Why are you here?
Flashback voices: I want to look into the dark.
Flashback voices: Are you okay, Albert?
Flashback voices: Why are you here?
Flashback voices: I want to look into the dark.
Vernon: Hello!
Albert: Arghh!
Vernon: Arghh! Well, that was fun. Now what? More snow?
Albert: W-w-where did you come from?
Vernon: Wooo! Ha ha ha ha! Absolutely brilliant! Eureka! It is you! I've been looking absolutely everywhere! *laughs*
Archie: ahhh! Does anybody else fancy a brew?
All: Nooo!
Harlot: How can you drink that much fucking tea? With the milk being off, too... You're not for real.
Herman's Thoughts: You're barely real yourself, love.
Harlot: Speak for yourself.
Clark: I can't believe I came all this way, just to have my laptop ruinded by a caffiene addicted kiddy bummer.
Archie: I'm sure insurance will cover it...
Clark's Thoughts: He's a paedo!
Harlot: He's nothing of the sort.
Clark: How do you know?
Harlot: I went through his laptop hard-drive, before the battery went dead. There's no weird stuff, okay?
Archie: You went through my computer?!
Harlot: It's my job...
Herman: While we're on the subject, I went through his hard-drive at the same time. Nice little lot of pirated software you got in there. I work as a developer. Thanks for ripping me off.
Clark: YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT.
Harlot: Oh! Way too much testosterone in here. Why don't you have an arm-wrestle about it? Archie, shift 'yer mugs.
Archie: Ok.. errrmm.. but which..
Herman: Make another one, Archie.
Archie: Does, ermm, anybody want a...
All: Noooo!
Archie: Okay.
Clark: Paedo.
Harlot: Just wrestle him. I want to see you two fight it out.
Louise (to phone): Hello? No, nobodies won yet. And I'm not giving up either.
Archie: What's going on?
Harlot: They both wanted to make you a cup of tea, things got competitive.
Archie: Oh. Did you really go through my computer?
Harlot: Only to prove you weren't who they said you were.
Archie: Oh. Thanks. That's very nice of you.
Clark's Thoughts: He's quite strong! But not as strong as me. Those aren't allergy pills I've been taking - THEY'RE STEROIDS! hahahaha!
Herman's Thoughts: You know, it's funny. That reminds me of a weight-lifter I used to know, who always had salad in his teeth. He took steroids, which gave him a tiny penis.
Clark's Thoughts: I ALREADY HAVE A TINY PENIS hahahahaha
Archie: Jesus!
Vernon: Hello campers! Woo! Hah! Hey Baby, how are you?
Archie: Fine... who are you?
Herman: He's talking to me. He's always been talking to me, so shut up!
Clark: No, he's clearly talking in my direction, actually. Hey babe.
Vernon: I speak to all of you!
Harlot: I'm good, Vernon. I think we've made progress.
Vernon: Damn straight. Time to operate.
Herman: What's Going On?!
Albert: I'm scared!
Harlot: Albert, you're going to be fine.
Herman: Shut up, he's clearly not fine.
Archie: I'm fine, thanks.
Clark: Not you, paedophile. You're a fucking paedophile!
Archie: I'm not!
Clark: PAEDO!
Archie: I'M NOT!
Herman: Drink your tea.
Albert: I don't want a cup of tea. Hello?
Harlot: Archiebald Wolfsheath, I'm arresting you for the kidnap and assualt of Albert Herpadees in November last year. You do not have anything to say! Anything you *do* say, will be used in a court against you, so don't fucking say anything....
Vernon: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.... and you're back with us! Are you okay, Albert? How do you feel?
Albert: What? Where am I?
Vernon: You've been hypnotised, Albert. Now you've been under for about Two hours, or more. I know it always seems like a lot less than that. I've hypnotised hundreds of people, and they always say that same thing.
Harlot: Thank you for your help Mr McPendulum. We reckon we've got enough to put the fucker away, now. Albert, leave it to us.
Vernon: Good. I think we've established who hurt you there, Albert. The others were just figments of your imagination, or people from your past. But they've gone now. Remember that. They don't control you.
Albert: But what if I start seeing them on Internet Messageboards and in games and everything, like last time?
Vernon: As long as you stay with your medication and come and have a few sessions with me, I'm sure you'll be fine. And the Police will find the men that did this to you, I promise, okay?
Albert: Okay...
Harlot: Is he going to be alright, we might want to talk to him again?
Vernon: He should be, yes. Give me a call if you do want to speak to him, and I'll do another consultation. Oh dear. That sicko's really done a number on him, hasn't he? Dear... and on Internet Messageboards as well. I mean, I use a few myself on the Internet, but just for verbal foreplay.
Albert: Are we finished? I-I-I think I need a cup..couple of Asprins and a glass of water.
Harlot: You're free to go Mr Herpadees. We'll contact you if we need anymore information about what happened out there, in the dark. You'll catch a bus if you're quick...
Vernon: Right, bye bye, Albert. See you Tuesday? About Nine O'Clock.
Albert: O..Okay...
Vernon: Okay.
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