Rev John Knickers discusses the making of foods!
Bon Appetit! That is not English. This guide is though. "Bon Appetit" comes from the French phrase "Good Appetite" - the person saying it has a good appetite and wants foodstuffs in their stomach (or lungs).

That is not English. This guide is though. "Bon Appetit" comes from the French phrase "Good Appetite". This means that the person saying it has a good appetite and wants foodstuffs  We shall commence with a simple recipe.

Recipe 1: Oyster faces in wild lamé sauce.
Brask some butter into a pan (or dish) until completely brown, then, whilst simmering, grasp hold firmly of the oyster, holding it in one hand, then slice off all of what is not the face. Elbow the faces into the pan (or dish) and smindle for an hour. Whilst the oyster faces are smindling, cut 2 square metres of gold lamé up into approximately 10cm chunks and insert them into a big cup. Push the cup (this cup can be any size from B - E) into a micro, wave then just as the oyster eyes burst, scratch the lame out of the cup, slop onto the oyster faces and serve. Caution, this dish must not be taken internally.

The kitchen (or skullery) is full of modern useful technologically "bazzin" devices, of which we will be covering the newest kind.

1: The Fourk.
The fourk is a clever little swine. Don't let the appearance of four prongs fool you. This is not any device. The fourk must be handled with intensity and one must remember never to insert said prongs into one's eyes (or nose (or knee (or hand (or cheek (or tongue))))). FUCKING EVIL BASTARD FOURK.

2: The Spune.
The spune has a round mini-bowl thing on the end of a stick (or pole). It can be used for catching eggs.

3: The Nife.
Why did Carol leave me? I tried to do my best, and although I didn't always show it, I loved her with all my heart, all my soul, and she was always the only woman I would ever consider giving myself to. Life just isn't fair. It was an accident, I didn't mean for it to land on her, but she thought it was deliberate. Oh my god, I'm in such a state... Nifes can cut... Cut... CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT THINGS REALLY EASILY! CHOP! CHOP!! CHOP!!! CHOP!!!!

4: The Glove.
The glove is used for straining water from food style products into glasses (or spectacles). It must be a red glove.

Recipe 2: Water croissants on a bed of glue "aux" Corvettes.
Lightly dance a little rascal of oil into an oven, set to 200 degrees Celsius (Or Gas Mark 1) and laugh at your brother. He is stupid. Do you know he was caught fumbling with himself in front of a department store window display dedicated to socks and tights? After your brother has committed suicide, dip twelve croissants into a plastic bucket filled with stagnant water and a teaspoon of "Gloy" glue. Do not dip them in the bucket. I was joking. Put them in the bucket. Leave in for ten seconds. Prepare the Corvettes (note: these do not have to be Corvettes, any sports car worth more than £20,000 will suffice) And, wearing a tiara, delicately place eleven of the twelve croissants onto the windscreen (or windshield). Drive the car into your face and eat.

Methods of cooking:

1: Fradding
To "frad" food, one has to insert the potentially eaten consumable down a drinking straw (or tube) and swirl it round in a spiral shape. Twat it down with a frying pan, then repeat the process again. Once. Not twice or more. Just once.

2: Cloftaggery
Cloftaggery was invented in 1964 by Shaun Chives from Bicester, and is an exciting method of preparing meat with a chisel and flat-headed screwdriver. Hammer the chisel into the middle of a big bit of meat, and slide the tool in and out until tender. Insert 50 grams of old mackerel into the opening and leave to ripen for two days. After the two days is up, a mould (or hairy fur) should have formed around the cavity. Taking hold of an ice cube, gently massage the ice cube in and out of the hole, slowly sliding your finger in and out of the clammy folds of flesh until it gets wetter and wetter, penetrating through every part of the fleshy mass. Now the food is ready to eat. Putting both hands either side of the cavity, wiggle your nose inside and part the flaps covering it. Now it is time to push your tongue DEEP inside. Ohhhhh yesssssss!!!! Huuuuuurrggh! Oh! OH! MMMmmmmmm...... ooOOOoooooh! Ffffff....

3: Boiling
Pour water into a mains socket (or outlet) whilst touching the food you want. Don't believe the people that say it's dangerous. People have been cooking this way for over 500 years. They're all CUNTS.

I hope that this guide to cookery has been extremely useful to any budding cookers (or chiefs) out there, and if you ever become successful and earn up to and sometimes in excess of £2,000 per annum, don't forget me. Or I'll get you.

Yours, with lots of stuff and that,

Reverend John Knickers

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