For some reason, I haven't yet found my life partner. Perhaps I haven't looked hard enough, or perhaps it has something to do with my penchant for smearing faeces over the face of every woman I meet, who knows?
Not one to be put off by such details, I have written a love song for my lovely girlfriend/wife/slavewoman. As you can imagine, since I've never met this woman, I have no idea what she's like. With that in mind, I've tried to cover as many bases as I can.
There are two versions, one "studio" recording featuring artist commentary (oooooh gosh!) and a live version for those people who don't like talking and the spoken word. You could download them both and write an essay comparing and contrasting the two... y'know, if you wanted.
This version also features a commentary:

or if you don't like it being talked all over, there is a live version:
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