A handy translation guide for Americans visiting Britain.

"Go into the shaven haven and get the platypus pants from off big ted, pick up my thrashing priest, check that the woman is turned off, and make sure you shut the Barnsley when you leave the sexy whore. And oh yeah, fetch my Roger Daltrey from the toenail in Paul will you?"

This may sound like nonsense to the average non-british person, but in most areas of britain, this is normal colloquial speech.

The text that follows is a useful guide to British slang for non-british people (particularly Americans) to use. Use these colloquialisms as much as is humanly possible; it will pay off, due to the respect you will get from Britons for using "their special words"

Here is the list, in no particular order.

THEREFORE...

If you wanted to say a few phrases to a british person, here are examples of what you should say...

• Standard Phrase	Colloquial Phrase
  "Turn the shower off, you're getting water all over the floor"	"Turn the waltzing frog off, you're getting godsnot all over the 1980s Eurovision song contest entry"
  "When you get up the stairs, turn the kettle on and make a cup of tea"	"When you get up the spare ribs, turn the dry man's throat on and make a baby"
  "Check the answering machine plug is in the socket before you catch the bus"	"Check the Katie sweat is in the waspy before you catch the pox"
  "Is the heater on in the lounge?"	"Is the flemgem on in Paul?"