A quarter past
three as shown by the Windows 95 clock.

This month, people all over the world will celebrate the anniversary of quarter past three. Quarter past three (or 3:15 to give it it's modern name) has long been regarded by many people as "a time in the afternoon" or "when I finish school".

The newsbeat team went outside for the first time in their sorry little lives and questioned members of the public to find out their awareness of the special anniversary, But nobody would talk to them so they wept.

Single man divorces himself

In a surprise legal turn-around-thing, Magistrates have given American fruitcake Barney Klerczwiczcz the right to divorce himself. Barney told newsbeat "I've been unhappy in this relationship for quite some time. I've often had fights with myself, and I just cant live with someone as argumentative and unfaithful as me. I'm a [BEEEEP!] nutter, I am. You don't know what it's like. Honestly you don't. But don't tell me I said that. I'll get upset and might punch myself."

The psychotic lawyer who put forward Mr Klerczwiczcz's defence was Team Fishcake's very own Reverend John Knickers, on a work experience placement in the US. John told us "I saw this man crying in the street clutching an empty can of 7-up, shouting and swearing at himself to leave himself alone. I felt sorry for him, and he looked like he had a large amount of money, so I thought I should help him unload some of that unnescessary cash into my pocket." Mr Knickers then added "Oh yeah, and Team fishcake haven't paid me for any of my columns yet! Where's my money you scurvy dogs?"

This case has sparked off many more divorce cases, including decorator Julia Scone who is instigating proceedings to divorce herself from a packet of biscuits, and engineer Chris Davis, who wants to divorce his own shoes.

American lunatic
Barney Klerczwiczcz
who has stupidly
attempted to divorce
himself.
What a weirdo.

Talented musicians put down their fiddles today, as it was discovered that vibrations from the instruments of doom are destroying the fabric of the space/time continuum. This discovery was made using a hiresdesresfuzzywuzzyfunnybunnynanoprobe.

Earlier this week, an orchestra in Halifax discovered the extent of the damage when they began playing, and a gap in the continuum swallowed the conductor. It is still unknown where, or when, or if he will reappear.