A Toilet.

- Police in Shropshire yesterday discovered a naked man trying to drink from a public toilet. The man, being dubbed "John Garrat", because that is his name, screamed obscenities at young children and even went as far as to help a decrepit old hag across the road when she asked him to do so. Garrat has been held for the last fourteen (012) hours, suspended over a train track, from a bridge, by a very strong piece of spider's web.

Bright kids die quicker than normal children.

- Luminous children are being bred in South Africa, because scientists claim they are better at mathematics. The "shining brats", as they are becoming known, are able to communicate with the dead ghost of Jim Robinson from Neighbours, who was said to have acheived a 'B' in mathematics at O-Level. The children, or "light-giving sprogs" as they are becoming known, have also been found to be useful for various other everyday jobs such as lighting up a dark room, scaring off creepy crawlies that, in the middle of the night, are very terrified of anything that radiates luminescence; and cleaning very dirty factories after eleven o' clock p.m.

The genetically bred youngsters, or "small glowing bastards" as they are becoming known, die at the age of ten.

The number "Ten" as drawn by a stupid child.

A horsey.

Floor-kissing lunatic croaks it

- Finally, we are sad to announce that our old friend, our old pal, the man himself, The Pope, died suddenly last night after attempting to eat a hamburger, and getting one of the sesame seeds stuck in his throat. He was choking for four and a half hours, before his personal guard realised what was happening. He proceeded to blast the pope with a fire extinguisher thinking that he was on fire. It was too late to revive him, once they had realised their mistake. Bruce Forsythe says he will dearly miss him and was quoted as saying "This is a great blow to the world of showbusiness".

The Pope.