Please give a big welcome to Team Fishcake's newest columnist - Daryl Hogwash - The "bloke in a suit"!

Hi! Many of you will know me as Mr cool talkin', smooth lovin' handsome wonderful kinda cute guy. And you'd be right! I am GREAT! Don't I look good? Huh? Yeah! I do!

I love talking about me. I got a new car the other day. It's GREAT! It's just a little Mercedes for zapping around the city in, you know. I really do look good in it. It really suits me. I'll have to show it to you some day.

I really hate people who don't wear suits. You know, the "poor people". Beggars would make so much more trade if they invested in a couple of Armani suits. Sure, you get what you pay for, and you certainly get a lot of style with these, but it will pay off due to the respect you get from fellow citizens.

I hate dogs. My next door neighbour has two of the little cretins. Bark bark bark bark bark. All night. I'm going to shoot them one of these days. I don't know what people see in them. If I had my way, I would kill all dogs. They don't have any respect for anything! I'd go round to people's houses and shoot them straight in the face. In front of the owners, just to let them know I feel no remorse.

Children are a pain. I wish more people would gag their children. Noisy little twats. If I had children, I would hit them every day just to let them know where they stand. And every saturday I'd lash them with a rope. If you ever see a misbehaving child in a shopping centre, do what I do. Wait until the accompanying adult isn't looking, then punch them in the windpipe. That shuts them up. Little gits.

Homosexuals and Bisexuals are the scum of this Earth. I really hate them. If I had a ..

* Daryl Hogwash will not be appearing in any future issues of the Team Fishcake cyber sanitorium.